Help me!

To my friends and family,
I heard mommy say that my friends and family read my blog so I decided to hijack it today and put out a plea for help. I have been saving up my rants and raves for a long time and today was the straw that broke the camels back. I need an intervention for my mom and dad. Let me tell you why:

1) I have been here for like 10 weeks and I don't even know my own name. Can you tell these people to call me just one thing? I mean, am I E? Eli? Elijah? Lijah? Pumpkin? Monkey? Silly duck? Geez. Pick a name and stick to it.

2) I was not put on this earth to be kissed every 3 seconds. My precious skin is rubbing raw on my face from all these kisses. Once an hour people, once an hour. And, I don't want morning breath kisses any more than big people do. Brush your teeth or chew a mint first.

3) I was not put on this earth to smile at these people all the time. My mommy raises her voice to this super high pitch and keeps saying "Give mommy a smile. Be a big boy. Come on." Then, I give her one and she wants more, more, more.

4) My eyes are still developing - they cannot take any more flashes. Everyday she is waving that camera in my face. Then, I go to visit other people (whew - a welcome relief from these silly parents) and then they take my picture too. I need a break from the paparazzi. Oh, and as a side note, who in their right mind thinks it is polite to strip me down in a public restaurant and put me on a leopard coat to take my picture? A pizza joint for heavens sake - they had me completely nekked at a pizza joint. See the insanity?

5) I like my head turned to the right darn it. We went to that stinking lady with the needles and since then, my mom and dad keep trying to turn my head to the left. I don't like it.

6) Despite what you are told, I am not (I repeat am not) fussy. I am digestionally challenged. If these people could figure out what kind of food to give me and when, I would not be fussy. If they would change my diaper within 10 seconds of me dirtying it, I would not be fussy. If they would be at my beck and call and entertain me when I demand it, I would not be fussy.

7) Finally, I want some white diapers. Most kids get Elmo on theirs. I get all these funky colors and, the straw that broke the camel's back, now they are putting me in stinking diapers shaped like animals. Ducks for heavens sake - DUCKS. Why can't I just have pampers like all my other friends at daycare? Why do I have to be in those soft, fuzzy, fleece colored diapers? OK, maybe I like those soft, fuzzy, fleece diapers and the warm fleece wipes on my bottom but ducks people? ducks?

Thanks to those of you out there that will listen to my demands and create an intervention with my parents. Once I can talk, i will take care of business on my own but for now, I need some help.

Smooches (but remember - one per hour),
Elijah